I’ve had enough of veganism. When I looked in the mirror this morning all I could see was a lion looking back at me with long, beautiful, sharp canine teeth glistening in my mouth. My headful of ancestor’s hair is matted with the blood of dead vegetables and everywhere I go I hear the screams of kale being destroyed. My eyes are heavy with the weight of lentils being bred to be killed and my limbs are sorrowful calcium-deprived sacks of all the insects I have killed in my quest for so-called ‘peace.’
As I stepped out into the warm air of the deserted island upon which I found myself stranded, I noticed that Hitler had drawn a circle of life in the sand. I am sick to death of being such a judgemental Nazi. Who am I to speak when I live in paradise amongst free-range tribes, eating expensive rice and beans, all the while breeding carrots to be killed? I mean at least they were grown right?
Vegans be like I love vegetables, especially my pet ones. I don’t really care so much for farmed fruit tho. It is MY personal choice to pay others to pluck them from the trees and vines upon which they grow. They are humanely sliced and diced and made into smoothies. The Bible says it is ok to eat fruits and veggies because we eat the whole thing, apart from the stones and pips which are then put into various wobbly desserts and treats for children so that’s ok then.
If we didn’t uproot potatoes can you imagine the bedlam? All hell would break loose! They would be running rife amongst us, upending wheelie bins and slashing our tyres. If we didn’t eat them they would also become extinct because we wouldn’t be planting them. I just cannot ignore this two-way logic anymore.
If we release all the turnips they will be killed in the wild which is far worse for their welfare. If I weren’t so protein-deprived then maybe I could kill them myself which would shut up the haters.
My soy milkshake hasn’t brought any boys to the yard in a while. I know for a fact that if it were a cow-discharge product then boys would be flocking to me. It’s my own fault really as I am surrounded by the corpses of field mice who hadn’t had the common sense to run from the sounds and vibrations of vegetable harvesting machines. They were grass-fed tho so it doesn’t matter that they died.
One of my fellow vegans was rude to me once so I cannot possibly ignore the fact that my tastebuds dominate my every waking hour on this earth. Wherever my tastebuds lead me I am sure to follow. I am glad that I am a member of the most advanced species on the planet.
Don’t get me started on all the supplements either! Taking a B52 every day is really draining my morals of any bacon. Humans have been eating bacon for thousands of years thus we cannot eat avocados. We are more intelligent than supplements so imma gonna eat as many as I can. Every time a vegan eats an avocado I’m going to starve a child in Africa. Avocados aren’t even human anyway so pulling their stones out is the most humane way to show them how humane we are. It is nature and nature is never going to be 100% vegan.
I rest my case.
~ Lucy Levi (former turnip and spud destroyer) (August 14, 2017)