I’ve had enough of veganism. When I looked in the mirror this morning all I could see was a lion looking back at me with long, beautiful, sharp canine teeth glistening in my mouth. My headful of ancestor’s hair is matted with the blood of dead vegetables and everywhere I go I hear the screams of kale being destroyed. My eyes are heavy with the weight of lentils being bred to be killed and my limbs are sorrowful calcium-deprived sacks of all the insects I have killed in my quest for so-called ‘peace.’
As I stepped out into the warm air of the deserted island upon which I found myself stranded, I noticed that Hitler had drawn a circle of life in the sand. I am sick to death of being such a judgemental Nazi. Who am I to speak when I live in paradise amongst free-range tribes, eating expensive rice and beans, all the while breeding carrots to be killed? I mean at least they were grown right?
Vegans be like I love vegetables, especially my pet ones. I don’t really care so much for farmed fruit tho. It is MY personal choice to pay others to pluck them from the trees and vines upon which they grow. They are humanely sliced and diced and made into smoothies. The Bible says it is ok to eat fruits and veggies because we eat the whole thing, apart from the stones and pips which are then put into various wobbly desserts and treats for children so that’s ok then.